somewhere I have never traveled/gladly beyond

So it looks like I'm blogging again, after an 8-year hiatus. That's right, I kept a Xanga as a teenager. It was full of the daily ridiculous angst of being in high school, and only a few select people who love me unconditionally and can help me laugh at myself instead of making me feel mortified have access to the link. 

Why am I back after all these years? And why do I need a blog, when I'm a prolific Facebook user? This is my space to really reflect on what my travel means, and why I'm taking, as an acquaintance so aptly put it, a "radical sabbatical." She herself is a radical baker, having quit her day job to pursue baking full time for her social justice-y clients. I was hesitant about using "radical sabbatical" for the name of my blog, not wanting to be pretentious. After all, having enough class privilege to quit my job to travel to Asia with no other job lined up doesn't seem very radical. In fact, sometimes it just seems bougie and self-indulgent. I wonder who am I to complain about being burnt out and working too much when I had a desk job and management responsibilities by the age of 22.  I am able-bodied and healthy and have a college degree and my parents are wealthy, dammit! Like the song says, 

"And here we are in the center of the first world/
It's laid out before us, who are we to break down?"
("You, Me, and the Bourgeoisie" by The Submarines)
 
I could use this post to talk about capitalism, and class privilege, and the way the working world divides all of us from ourselves and our families and communities, and how everyone should have enough resources to be able to leave their job out of self-determination, but the world of analysis is one I'm very familiar with, and one that I'd like to leave for now. I acknowledge that all of the things I just mentioned are true, but there is something that feels like I'm justifying myself/making excuses/apologizing when I go down the "here is how my radical sabbatical fits into larger systems of oppression" route. Like I am trying to prove that I am a down lefty person, not just another entitled young person going through a quarter-life crisis. Like I am trying to convince people that I deserve this. 


The funny thing is, no one has needed any convincing. Not my parents, my partner, my friends, my (former) boss, co-workers, and board members, my colleagues, not even the radical baker I have only met once before. They all smiled and said congratulations and were genuinely happy for me. Everyone has been kind and supportive. As usual, the only person who really needs convincing is myself.


Here is where the "sabbatical" part becomes more resonant to me. I have spent a lot of time meditating recently, as a healing practice and spiritual practice. I am a newborn when it comes to meditation, all blinking sensation and wonder. Not so much discipline right now, but that's okay. I also have a coach who has used meditation during our sessions to help me connect with right now, to keep coming back, coming home to my body and to the present moment. Both practices have revealed two essential truths about myself:

1) I struggle with the thought pattern/obsessive thinking about how unworthy, flawed, not good enough, undeserving, unlovable I am.
2) I am capable of deep, transformative, healing love. 

Apply Number 2 to Number 1 and the problem's solved! Enlightenment attained! In all seriousness, something that I was reminded of today in sangha (meditation group) is that there is no problem: life is not a problem to be solved, it is a mystery to be lived. The practice is about improving the quality of our noticing, not getting better at fixing things. I am not a problem to be solved or a project to improve. The suffering of feeling worthless and the joy of unconditional love can exist simultaneously. They both live inside of me. Sometimes I am able to fill my own cup and it is powerful and healing. Sometimes there is only doubt and self-hatred. But I am starting to learn how to let go of these thoughts by showing myself compassion and kindness. 


Ah, the land of self-love! That is the place I have not yet traveled yet. I hope that my physical travels are the first step, that among the adventure and excitement and (ah!) stress I also listen to myself, breathe, and come back, come back, come back.  

"When we have gone in and looked around for a long while, just breathing and finally taking it in - then we will be able to speak in our own voice and to stay in the present moment. And that moment is home." (Anne Lamott)


I am leaving and returning, and always coming home.