room full of people in my head

So I didn't get the job that I was so excited about interviewing for that I wrote about in my March 10th entry. In fact, I was rejected by that organization and another group I interviewed for on my birthday. It was really difficult and disconcerting to be getting so much love and affirmation on my birthday on one hand, and then experience crushing disappointment and rejection on the other. The rejections made the difficulties and trials of unemployment real. This no longer feels like a radical sabbatical, full of adventure and possibility. This feels like unemployment, grueling and harsh. I have the significant privilege of having a generous safety net in the form of my parents, and I know that I'm only experiencing a fraction of the hardship that most everyone else in my situation faces. But well, it still sucks.

As I've been in the thick of my job search, a particular song keeps coming to mind. I bought the new Cloud Cult album "Light Chasers" for my friend Allison for her birthday, and the band is generous enough to give a digital copy for every physical copy bought. I've been listening to the album on repeat. I love Cloud Cult and their rich, sweeping, affirming, poignant, truth-telling music. The song that really spoke to me is "Room Full of People In Your Head" and the lyrics are below:

There's a room full of people in your head, in your head.

Yeah, there's a room full of people in your head, in your head.

And every single one of them claims your name.

You lost control to the mood, my friend.

Whattcha gonna do if you lose it again?

"I'm sorry." Again. "I'm sorry." Again. "I'm sorry."

In the center stands Ego- looking for attention.

And over there's Self Pity, always crying, "Poor, poor me!"

Lock up the liquor, or they're gonna get juiced.

I've got each of these in me.

There's a fight, there's a fight at the  party in your head.

Yeah, there's a fight for control at the party in your head.

I don't even know who's at the wheel.

Who wants to play? "Give it to me!"

Who wants to play? "Give it to me!"

"I'm sorry." Again. "I'm sorry." Again. "I'm sorry."

Part of me is the Hang Man, looking for a scape-goat.

And part of me is the victim, always crying, "Why you pickin' on me?"

Lock up the gun cabinet, or it's gonna get messy.

I've got each of these in me.

You've gotta follow the voice you wanna follow,

gotta kill off the thoughts that funk up your diddy-diddy.

"You'd be surprised to find how much was in your mind."

Cuz there's a room full of people in your head, in your head.

And they will fight for control of your head, of your head.

"You'd be surprised to find how much was in your mind."

There's Mr. Self Conscious, carrying too much baggage.

and over there's the Chameleon, always crying, "Who you want me to be?"

Let's end the charade. This game is over.

I've got each of these in me.

That's exactly what I feel like as I've been going through the roller coaster of getting interviews and rejections. My unemployment has forced me to deal what I'm usually too distracted or busy to face: my insecurity, the way I have been privileged enough to avoid rejection for most of my life, and how I crumble when I experience it, the unpredictability of the future when I am so future-oriented, dealing with uncertainty when I am someone who craves security and stability. Like the song says, my Ego has been looking for attention, Self Pity has taken up a lot of room crying "Poor, poor me", the Victim is crying "Why you pickin' on me?" and the Chameleon is shouting "Who you want me to be?" (I would also add that my version of Self Pity is mostly crying, "Why don't you want me?")

Having all these people  fighting at the party in my head is pretty tiring. On top of listening to all the squabbles, I find myself really disliking parts of myself. Instead of being compassionate to Self Pity and the Victim, listening to what they have to say, letting them wail and whine and then giving them a hug and some grounding perspective, I bully them. I tell them things like, "Look how sheltered you've been your whole life. Welcome to the real world. You're pathetic. Get a hold of yourself. It's really not that big of a deal." I would never say something like that to a friend of mine who was going through a difficult time or feeling insecure, and it's been stunning to me how ingrained the Bully is, how loud it is compared to the other "people". I am working to get to know the Bully better too, but it is hard to cozy up to a part of myself I find so ugly and cruel. Maybe the Bully is protective - being mean is easier than being vulnerable.

To me, the most powerful line of the Cloud Cult song is: "I've got each of these in me." Simple, unapologetic acceptance. Yes, self-pity and the victim and self-consciousness and the bully live in me. They aren't good or bad, wrong or right. Maybe I need to calmly tap them on the shoulder and draw some boundaries when they start being destructive and throwing around shit, but I want to stop shutting the door in their faces, stop exiling parts of myself. 


I have a (very) temporary job right now, and some good leads for permanent positions. I know I'm not in the same place I was a few weeks ago, but I wanted to write and reflect on the turmoil. Thanks for sharing the experience with me.