I got a job!

[originally drafted on Sunday, May 1, before the first day of my new job. Interrupted by breaking news of Osama bin Laden's death, and lots of conflicted, heavy feelings about how people were responding. posted late, but still want to share] 

Where did April go? These last few weeks have just flown by. I spent the first 2.5 weeks of April feverishly working on the Power Shift conference, the temp job that I wrote about in my last entry. It was really great to have structure again, to be part of a team, to feel important and valued, and to have a place to go every day. I worked under an amazing (if chronically stressed out person) who became a good friend. I got to know a passionate, dedicated team of folks who taught me a lot about environmental justice, clean energy, and stopping climate change. I saw Al Gore and Van Jones speak. I helped successfully organize a conference for almost 10,000 youth. I got to wear a headset! And I spent one very long weekend on my feet, moving boxes, answering an endless stream of inane questions from participants, running through the convention center, and trying to squeeze in some quiet moments with my partner whenever I had the chance. It was intense, thrilling, rewarding, and utterly exhausting. 

Me with my headset and Power Shift gear, Jude (my supervisor/friend) on the left.

After Power Shift ended I took a weekend trip to NJ to go to the Lady Gaga concert with my cousins, which was an epic adventure in and of itself and probably deserves its own blog entry. But it involved wearing matching outfits and wearing fake eyelashes and a long, frizzy blond wig that was a hot mess and made me look like (according to my partner), a cross between "Michelle Kwan and JonBenet Ramsey". 

Aren't we just adorable Little Monsters?

 Returning from NJ after having a whole lot of fun and also much-needed down time with my family was difficult. It sort of reminded me of how I felt after I returned to DC from my trip to San Francisco, the cold realization that unemployment and my job search was now my real life. Back to the insecurity and the instability. Except now I had gone through an intense interview process with yet another organization, and was in the phase of the process where all I could do was wait. And oh the waiting. Last Monday and Tuesday felt interminable, waking up knowing that there was nothing for me to do except obsessively check my email to see if I had any updates (the organization had told me that I would know by Monday). Feeling jittery and on edge, knowing that I was close, but still mired in uncertainty. Not feeling like I could move forward because nothing was confirmed yet. I spent hours by myself in my apartment with the room full of people in my head, who were having a loud and obnoxious party, making it very hard to be still, grounded, patient. What if the wait meant that I didn't have the job? What if I had to start over again? I was on the verge of a panic attack thinking about what it would mean to start over. I felt like I had run out of contacts, run out of good opportunities and momentum. 


And then very late on Tuesday night I was finally called by TMC and asked to come in for yet another interview on Weds. It went well, and I felt more certain. Thursday came, and that morning I woke up to a job offer from an organization that had interviewed me over a month ago and that I had pretty much dismissed. I was excited and relieved, but didn't take the offer and instead asked for more time so I could see if TMC offered. Later that afternoon, they did. I told them I had another offer, negotiated for a better salary and title, and told them I needed more time. After thinking about it and talking it over with family and friends, I accepted TMC's offer on Friday and will be starting tomorrow. 


So in the span of a week I have gone from an epic concert in NJ to total meltdown and crushing anxiety in my apartment, to final interviews and two job offers, an acceptance, and now a new job. Whew! For all the volatility, I feel really good right now. I'm calm and grounded, and happy with my decision. I'm ready for this, and I'm looking forward to the new and exciting opportunities, and feel prepared for the challenges. 


On Thursday after I got both offers and after the successful negotiation, I felt the badass in me come back to life. This is the cocky, confident, cavalier person that I know you're familiar with - the one that says, "Oh yeah, I got this, no problem" and "Yeah, I got these offers because I'm SO AWESOME." The badass was being drowned out by a lot of insecurity and anxiety, and it was nice to welcome her back, to feel powerful and sure again.


But I know that I don't want to dismiss all the angst I felt just because I now have the job. Though I'm tempted to brush off my shoulders, shrug, and say "well now that's over with", I want to acknowledge that the angst, insecurity, and vulnerability were inherently valuable. They taught me more about myself, reintroduced me to my Bully, forced me to feel everything from violently angry with myself to calm acceptance. As I make this next transition, I want to honor the 2 months of not-so-funemployment I've had. Thank you for being hard. Thank you for forcing me to live through a time in which I felt like I had little control. Thank you for making me work hard for something I wanted. Thank you for showing me more of myself, so I can be nicer and more forgiving the next time around.